Babymooning: the Songs by the sea

Coolin’ it at the coast

It is a peaceful moment as I write from Gangneung, a seaside city on the Korean peninsula’s east coast. While Dae-Han works on a presentation about environmental sustainability for my school’s Grade 9 class, I am watching waves crest against the shore. While there is a window, a road, and sand between myself and the sea, I can feel the waves washing over me, first meeting my chest and then enveloping this growing belly. Our sweet Sofia is currently busy swimming little laps in my tummy and it is delightful to know that someday she will be swimming with us in these waters.

Dae-Han and I arrived at our pension, La Casamia, on Thursday afternoon.

Not featured is the swivel tv that allowed us to watch our favorite show, Billions, right from this spot. Our babymoon included some binging.

Where does time go?

More than a week has gone by since I started this post. I have traded a view of the sea for a view of the coffee table where a half eaten bowl of pistachios lives alongside a stack of books on all things birthing and baby and grade 9 essays scattered about as a tall carton of micro-plastic free water towers above my cup of mandarin mindfulness tea. Here’s to hoping a cup-a-zen will center me amongst the clutter.

I did not get to finish this post at that cute coffee shop, but I will return to some babymoon moments now. We had an adventuresome honeymoon in Iceland, and we continued in that spirit with a good hike on our babymoon — we are both excited to put lil Sofia in a baby carrier and get her into the rich nature that exists outside of Seoul next autumn. Not yet sporting the baby carrier, what you will see is a husband who brings the selfie stick, his dad’s old camera, and a plastic bag to pick up trash along the trails.

Dae-Han does love trying to catch those just right shots. While these are not from the babymoon, he did quite a fine job of capturing some goofy and pretty shots of me in our neighborhood, on a nearby city street recently.

Sometimes I grab my phone in time to capture him caputuring me.

Everything, everywhere, all at once

While Dae-Han and I still have three months (we hope) before our BaciSong babe is here, I am glad that we took the time away from the city. For many months before Sofia was safely kickin’ it in my belly, I felt consumed by getting pregnant and staying pregnant; entering a time when we know our baby is healthy and growing has opened up my emotional landscape for a flood of other feelings.

My heart looks like a watercolor painting, holding the marvel and beauty of our growing baby and also grief for the passing of a season in our lives that was rather short. One side does not feel heavier than the other, and the colors of both blend together, for I would not have one without the other.

On the last night of our babymoon, I felt like the tears pooled behind my eyes might poor down my face. I am so brimming with joy at being a mama and parenting with Dae-Han. I am also feeling the feels about the transition from our life of simplicity to something richer, yes, and more complex.

Life be life-ing

Mmm, I suppose some of these feels are coming out as irritation lately. Today I have entered trimester three, and before today I entered Major Nesting Mode. So, this weekend especially, our house vibes have been giving Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. I want to minimize all of the stuff in our house, with everything having a precise place — including the bottle of ketchup in the fridge — and my husband wants to create a new world order surrounded by 101 stacks of books.

I am currently asking ChatGPT which spaceship to board to meet him back on Earth (noting that I won’t be catching any of Elon Musk’s rides).

In summary, Chatty offered the following suggestions: listen actively, embrace empathy, communicate openly and honestly, patience. And then my favorite two, which are good but don’t tempt me to exchange our therapist for AI:

Compromise and Flexibility

• No one’s perspective is absolute. Finding a middle ground might mean compromising on certain issues or adapting to new ways of thinking or behaving. This doesn’t mean losing your identity—it’s more about finding a harmonious balance.

Appreciate the Differences

• Instead of seeing differences as barriers, recognize them as opportunities for growth. People with different perspectives can enrich each other's lives in unexpected ways. The key is to value the other person’s viewpoint rather than trying to “fix” them or make them conform to your own.

I desire very much to find that harmonious balance, but I can also feel the desire for conformity … to my way of doing things. I’m building the baby, why don’t I just get to be the boss?

Perhaps after a good dinner I will find my way out of this sophomoric approach to marriage. Likely we will solve this with another episode of Billions, another cup of tea for me, a short whisky for DH, and a good night of sleep.

May we all toast to babymoons and the beautiful layers of partnership.

Our Seoulful Life

This morning

I sat with five friends. We sat in silence, and in meditation, in community, and in conversation. My friends Lindsay and Jason’s campus-apartment living room, where we had all gathered, had that Good Vibes Only feel. That is not to say that everything that we were talking about or feeling was all “good.” It is to say that we were a group of six who were holding space for one another and ourselves to sift through the many thoughts and emotions and energy that was surfacing as Jason guided us through an inquiry.

I am new to this group, this being my second time attending the inquiry session and if you ask me to explain what it is the best response I have right now is “A safe, meditative, reflective sharing of space.”

Last year my new friends and colleagues pointed out how much I say the word “space” and indeed here I go again today. I like space — sharing space, creating space, finding new spaces, exploring internal and external spaces.

Before we all experience semantic satiation with the word space I will get to one of my larger takeaways from the inquiry session today. As one of my friends was sharing some of what she has been processing this week, she quoted Debie Thomas’s Into the Mess and Other Jesus Stories:

“Sometimes, accepting what we haven’t chosen is sacred work.”

When Thomas writes this, she is reflecting on John 13:3-15. How these words were useful to me is outside of the context in which Thomas is writing and I am going to be a bit roundabout in getting to why and how the words struck me.

Six weeks ago

I was in Tokyo for a conference. It took about three hours to find myself enamored with the city. The chicken skewers with all of the yummy sauces with the Asahi beer with the aesthetic of a much-quieter-than-expected street with the strangers who were so eager to help us even when we didn’t ask with the early cherry blossoms

and the blue blue sky and then the sushi with old friends and the soba noodle soup with more Asahi and the city-so-safe-a-six-year-old-could-navigate-the-bus-alone. And the 7-Eleven. Seriously, the 7-Elevens. So many new snacks and bento boxes. It was all of it for me.

“I love Tokyo",” I thought again and again throughout my five-day stay. “How cool would it be to live here! I could totally see it.”

Three Weeks Ago

Dae-Han and I were on our first international trip together. Arising well-before dawn, we had landed in Da Nang, a coastal city in the middle of Vietnam, at 10 am. As soon as we debarked the plane, we began breathing in the warm, humid ocean air and tripdorphins (the endorphins that kick in when I travel) flooded my system. Looking over at Dae-Han, holding his hand, I could feel a grin stretch across my face. “Are you excited?” I asked him, the last syllable of my question reaching towards the hazy sun. Smiling and laughing a bit at my giddiness he replied, “Yep.”

It took me no more than three hours to fall in love with Da Nang and its neighboring city, Hội An. It was the warm ocean and the fresh seafood and the open-air neighborhood coffeeshops and the phở and reading books at the beach and then at the pool and the fresh coconuts and the gritty sand under my feet and the grit on the street where people walk with smiles on their faces and the chill vibes of the slower life with the fresh fruit from the vendors that scooters speed by boarded by four family members at a time and walking everywhere with Dae-Han’s hand in mine as we shared space in a new place. Together.

Two Weeks Ago

We flew from Da Nang to Ho Chi Minh City, formerly Saigon. We were spending twelve hours in the city to see Ceci and Carlos — kind of wild, flying in for less than a day; the life of international school teachers is one of #privilege.

I had been twice before, but this was Dae-Han’s first trip to Vietnam’s largest city. Our twelve hours were spent sipping champagne at Ceci and Carlos’s beautiful apartment, eating tacos at a hip restaurant, and then toasting to friendship at a speakeasy. It was some kind of dream.

I knew I loved HCMC from my previous visits, and walking down the street with Ceci, Carlos, and Dae-Han, once again I found myself thinking …

“How cool would it be to live in Vietnam? The vibe is so nice, the people are so kind, the flowers are always blooming. I could totally see it.”

It’s a little bit bananas that changing schools when I was thirteen years old put me into a depressive state for the better part of a year and now I am living in Korea with a sense that I could live just about anywhere in the world.

This early evening

I sit on my couch accompanied by the sound of passing cars outside and vapor puffing out of the essential oil dispenser beside me. Dae-Han is gone, on an overnight retreat. I have lived alone for most of my adult life, but I now find that I miss Dae-Han as soon as he is gone for one of his quick trips.

In this solitude, with the sun casting shadows of our monstera plant onto the couch, I come back to Thomas’s words. “Sometimes, accepting what we haven’t chosen is sacred work.”

In three months from today, Dae-Han and I will say the vows we are writing for one another as my dad officiates our wedding ceremony. These vows are a choice. Co-creating a life together is a choice. I am in love with Dae-Han, and I make the choice to be loving towards him each day as he does to me. If all of this has been rooted in my own mindful choices, why am I so drawn to Thomas’s words?

Thomas’s words connected to something my therapist offered me this week. Tracy pointed out that while Dae-Han and I have agreed that Seoul is a long-term home for us, I continue to consider living in a dozen other places. I do not think that fantasizing about various scenarios is inherently harmful, but Tracy’s point was that perhaps it could keep me from really leaning into our life here in Seoul, that I could be holding back from a fuller immersion into what we can create in Korea. So when I heard Thomas’s words, what struck me most was “accepting” “choice” and “sacred work.”

I am in an interesting and challenging and beautiful space right now. One in which life is no longer about my own personal agenda or whims. In previous relationships, there often came a point where considering combining my life with someone else’s became too scary, sometimes altogether frightening. This moment feels nothing like that. Because what it is is sacred. The connection Dae-Han and I have with one another, the way we love one another, it is sacred. And I think I am now beginning to understand what it means to then engage in the sacred work of building the Us. With that building comes accepting that some of my vision for life will shift in both small and more pronounced ways.

This moment

I do not have a particularly witty way to close today’s post. I think I just want to end with gratitude — for people that consciously or inadvertently offer me wisdom to consider, and for the man with whom I get to run, bike, and build with for the rest of our lives. It took me such a short time to fall in love with you, and so I can picture us together in any city, especially Seoul. #OurSeoulfulLife

Alfonso’s Italian Restaurant

I follow his gaze, into the past. The memory isn’t mine, but it becomes tangible to me as he describes being in his second year of high school, watching a program that aired every evening at 6 pm where home-taught cooks showed their audience how to make tasty dishes. Once a week, a trained chef would come on the show, and on this day, it was the tall, white chef’s hat that strikes him. A defining moment, we call it. From this point on, Gongjakso, the young boy from a small Korean village, knows that one day, he too would like to be a chef.

Today, Dae-Han and I talk with Gongjakso, who has adopted the Italian name Alfonso, in his restaurant where he is indeed the head chef, and most days the only chef. The restaurant can seat up to 16 people and is situated on a side street in a Korean neighborhood. Sunlight coming in through the large front windows bathes us in warmth.

In the four years that the restaurant has been open, Alfonso has not spent any money on marketing. People nose out his made-from-scratch Italian food through his Instagram, Naver, or word of mouth. I can attest to this. While Alfonso’s is not far from our home, we would likely not have found it had another restaurant owner not told us about it after learning of the neighborhood we live in.

I first took Mom, Dad, and Grandma to Alfonso’s when they came to visit in November. We were so enthused with the pasta and wine that I brought Dae-Han back for a weekday date night.

It is a shame that I was the only one present to hear Dae-Han’s 5-star reviews of these meals.

After fawning over the food once again, Dae-Han arranged for my 40th birthday to be at Alfonso’s. It was the perfect place to hold an intimate celebration with fabulous friends for a foodie’s 40th.

Cultivating connections has always been a vested interest of mine. Since moving abroad 10 years ago, I have become even more invested in creating community, to find my home away from home. Every dinner at Alfonso’s restaurant has allowed me to celebrate the connections and community that I found and fostered — from family to love to friendship. Thus, I wanted to know more about the man that had created a space that kept me coming back, for more food, for more special evenings, for more sense of home.

Alfonso began telling his story, speaking in Korean to Dae-Han who had come with to translate. This afforded me an opportunity to simply listen to Alfonso’s tone, and watch his eyes dance and his body become animated with gestures when I asked about how he first fell in love with food and the idea of being a chef.

It seemed that his young adolescent self is still living inside of him, returning to tell the tale of that day in front of the television. Over the course of an hour, sipping coffee out of cool glass tumblers, Alfonso told Dae-Han and I about how his parents at first were not thrilled with his choice to pursue food and the life of a chef. Growing up at a time that the patriachy had an even firmer hold on family and societal structures, Alfonso’s parents were displeased that he was interested in things that “a man shouldn’t do.”

What a man should do: what he loves.

His parents, being both loving and wise, were eventually won over as they saw a young man who was formerly a poor student begin to excel in his university courses. With time, Alfonso would go on to get a Master’s and PhD in Hotel Management with a focus in cooking and cuisine.

Culinary school in Korea is generally not centered on one kind of cuisine, and it was at this time in Alfonso’s life that he began working part-time at an Italian restaurant. The delicious recipes were easy to learn. Since there was not a school specifically for Italian cooking, Alfonso found his way to Italy. Over the course of a number of more years, going back and forth between Seoul and Italy, he would visit all 22 provinces, study pizza-making in Rome, and hone his skills at making all sorts of homemade noodles.

Books that Alfonso has written, including the first Korean dictionary of Italian cooking words.

Alfonso loved the the way that life in Italy was less fixed. In ways, this offered him more freedoms. But in the end, it was the pace, culture, and ethos of Seoul that brought him to return for good.

Four years ago, Alfonso opened his Italian restaurant that lies off the beaten path. He now teaches cooking classes three afternoons a week, is open for lunch each weekday, and offers dinner reservations six days a week.

I am pondering playing hooky in order to take part in Alfonso’s pasta-making class.

On Sundays, Alfonso is in his restaurant, enjoying the solitude, sun, and some tunes that play out of the speakers as he prepares for the week ahead.

For Alfonso, it is not expanding the restaurant or making more money that motivate him most. While he has one part-time staff member for weekday lunches, Alfonso prefers to prepare and make his dishes on his own. It would be hard to find a long term business partner, he explained to us. More than money, his personal ambitions are about the fine craft of his food. “A great source of happiness for me is that people come here. That simple act makes me so happy. And a completely empty plate, one where you can’t even tell what I served because the plate is so clean.”

It makes me smile to watch Alfonso share these last words with us today. Because I know then, that we’ve contributed to some of his happiness. And we’ll be back to use his bread to sop up all of the sauces again, because what he serves up equates to our happiness too.

At Last, an Engagement Story

I want a Sunday kind of Love

On Sunday, December 10th, in a quiet corner of Morococo Cafe, Dae-Han Song and I became officially engaged.

After a day spent together first at a cafe on the West Sea outside of Seoul, then at my favorite used bookstore, and then at the sweetest tiny chocolate shop, we arrived for dinner at the restaurant where we had our first date on October 9, 2021. I had a sense that this would be “the place.”

To be candid, after my grandma had brought Dae-Han her engagement ring — the ring I had asked for this past summer — when she came to visit with my parents in October, after he had had this ring in his keeping for weeks, I took a deep breath while we ate dinner one night and said, “I will be really sad if we aren’t engaged by the time I go home for Christmas.” “Yes, of course,” Dae-Han replied. “We will be.”

It is a bit funny, I suppose, that in 2023, as part of a progressive partnership, I was waiting for him to propose to me. But I was. Roxane Gay, one of my favorite authors, has a book called Bad Feminist. In one of the essays within the book, she “confesses” that pink is her favorite color and that she reads Vogue. Do these things make her a bad feminist? I think not. And I can see why that even while I am building an egalitarian partnership with Dae-Han, I wanted something of an old-fashioned proposal.

It ended up being “something old, something new” nothing borrowed, nothing blue. Dae-Han chose to stick to tradition in so much as he planned the day and he presented me with the ring, but he did put his own new spin on the proposal. He did not get down on one knee or say, “Will you marry me?”

As a couple, we had been talking about our wedding and marriage explicitly for some months. There wasn’t any mystery or surprise around getting married, and to my mind, there shouldn’t be, at least not for me. So rather than take a traditional approach to proposing, Dae-Han began a beautiful speech with “Well, this is where we had our first date …” After sharing heart-felt words with me, he took out the ring and said, “I want to marry you” to which I rather quickly replied, “I want to marry you, too.”

Somewhere, someone must have been playing Etta James because this moment embodied her lyrics:

And my arms need someone
Someone to enfold
To keep me warm when Mondays and Tuesdays grow cold
Love for all my life, to have and to hold
Oh, and I want a Sunday kind of love

After we toasted to us, our love, and a lifetime of Sundays, we shared with Morococo’s manager, Wahid, just how special his cafe had become for us.

Wahid was thrilled for us, and we took pictures together, but this photo was especially for Gram, who he had met with she and Mom and Dad were in town. (Grandma be crushing.)

Love is here to stay

While this night was our official engagement, I look back now at the number of months leading up to it, noting that our engagement really was something that happened over time, just like falling in love. Merriam-Webster may define engagement as a fixed event or plan, but to me, it seems to have been something more cumulative.

Over the course of our relationship, we have been engaging in open, honest, candid conversations about what we have wanted as single people and how these visions could shift for us to co-create a life together. Dae-Han seems to have come to me as a man who was already so skilled at evenly and respectfully addressing things that may be bothering him; I continued to engage in conversations with my therapist about how to avoid being passive-aggressive (a skill I had inadvertently honed) and being direct about my wants and needs.

Over the past few months, we had engaged in quite a few trips between Dae-Han’s former apartment and the newly coined Baci-Song Abode. This move meant manoeuvring furniture and bags and boxes down steep steal and cement steps. I held feelings of fear that Dae-Han was going to crash down the steps bearing heavy weights and seriously injure himself while also harboring feelings of frustration that he had chosen to live in an apartment that would now force us to engage in such “risky business.”

For his part, Dae-Han calmly told me that I did not need to help with the move, that he could do it himself or with a friend, if I was going to feel so upset every time we went to move a load. Bless this man who is able to share words so peacefully when I have lost my words and commenced giving off less than “good vibes only.”

I do credit myself for bringing an abundance of good vibes, too, though. Most of the time, I’ve got nothing but love, laughter, and besos to give.

Really, the ease and beauty that marks most of our moments and most of our days is credited to both of us. We have chosen to engage with each other, to be present with each other. Dae-Han and I have chosen to not let our grievances fester. We do not harbor anger or resentment because we have made a conscious choice to engage in the work of our relationship together.

These choices are what have allowed for love to grow between us, the trust in our firm foundation to be laid. All of these moments of engagement have led us both to the understanding that love is here to stay, like Sinatra sang.

It's very clear
Our love is here to stay
Not for a year
But ever and a day
The radio and the telephone
And the movies that we know
May just be passing fancies
And in time may go

But, oh my dear,
Our love is here to stay
Together we're going a long, long way

At last

Before I met Dae-Han, I felt that I had been walking a long, long way — well, walking and crying and pouting and crawling and crying a long, long way — in and out of casual, semi-committed, and committed relationships, but that true partnership was just going to be forever allusive in my life.

It may be cliche, but all of those steps and stumbles that led Dae-Han and I to find each other, they were really worth it. If we both needed this much time to live and learn and mold ourselves to be ready for each other, well, We were worth the wait.

Since that first date in October, 2021, there has been no soulful wailing about how I guess I was just meant to live a Single Lady Life (no one should wail about being a life-time Sexy Drifter anyway — perspective is everything). No, since Dae-Han and I met, it’s not that I “just knew” he was the one from that first date, but I did know he, and We, were different. When I was home for Christmas, Gram said to me over an old-fashioned at Oliver’s, “You two are so compatible, it’s almost scary.”

Before Gram had noted it, this thought had also crossed my mind, how wildly compatible we are and how wild it is that in this expansive world we now will walk together for all of our days.

After finishing our dinner at Morococo on that Sunday night, Dae-Han and I walked to the metro and then walked from the metro nearest our home back to our apartment. Even if I see our engagement as a series of moments strung together, I was of course giddy about our official moment. Now wearing a ring that Grandpa had given Grandma in 1957, a ring with one love story twinkling up at me with every sparkle of the diamond, I put my hand in Dae-Han’s and swung it as we walked. I dug into my coat pocket with my other hand for my phone and pressed play on the Spotify. You can’t make this up: Etta James started to sing:

At last

My love has come along

My lonely days are over

And life is like a Song

My “At Last” — my very favorite Song — and I dancing at the Seoul Foreign School holiday party, a prelude of the days to come for the Baci-Songs.

The Reformer and I

Some time around the evening of October 1st, 2021, I was scrolling the dating app Bumble. I usually scrolled the app in the evenings, laid out on my cream couch after a day of teaching. Having been recently burned by an American man living on the Army base outside of Seoul, and having just finished Squid Game had me wondering if there was even anyone worth searching for on this app. or in this city. or in the entirety of this shadowy, shadowy world.

I swiped left, and left, and left, and left, and left andleft andleftandleftandleft … and then

I paused —

I swallowed the English teacher for a moment, and chewed on the words, “I enjoy it and find meaning from fighting for a better world.”

“And you’re a feminist too, huh, Moderated,” I thought to myself. “Well, we’ll see about that,” I said aloud to the empty room, skepticism cutting into my hope.

I thumbed away at my iphone keyboard, typing, “After watching Squid Game, I could use someone who wants to make the world a better place.” This began my first chat with Moderated.

In the coming weeks, I would learn that Moderated’s actual name is Dae-Han Song. In those first conversations via Bumble and then KakaoTalk, Korea’s WhatsApp, I learned that Dae-Han was kind. When I was struggling to negotiate what it would take to avoid quarantine after Christmas 2021, he picked up the phone and called me to see if he could help me navigate a visit to the Gu, or government office. I also learned that Dae-Han is well read. He quoted Shakespeare, and perhaps I thought he was trying to show off by doing so, but I would soon learn that Dae-Han is too earnest, too humble and authentic to show off, even when he could or maybe even sometimes when he should.

Before Dae-Han and I met in person for our first date, he invited me to join an online [progressive] forum that he was running. The focus of this forum was The United States’ role in Afghanistan. I understood little of what the forum really was, I knew little about the topic, but I was intrigued. I accepted his invitation.

On October 7th, I signed into Zoom to listen to Dae-Han and his International Strategy Center colleagues host researcher, historian, and author Vijay Prashad.

In truth, I was a bit distracted by Dae-Han’s handsome aesthetic, but I did also gain an understanding that there is a perspective about the US’s involvement in Afghanistan that the West has not been telling.

As I watched Dae-Han interview Prashad, I did not know — still do not know — enough about global politics to decide to what degree I agreed or disagreed with Prashad, but perhaps what was more significant to me was that the experience of being in that forum felt interesting, engaging … even expansive.

I do not think that Dae-Han had any great ulterior motives in inviting me to the forum (alright, he has since told me he did want to show off. a little.), but what I gathered from this invitation ultimately was that he was willing to be vulnerable, to show an authentic side of himself from early on, and that he was indeed who his Bumble profile said that he was: a man seeking to make the world a better place, even when Squid Game and certain Army dudes would lead you to believe there is little light left in this world.

Over the course of over a year now, I have come to know the heart of Dae-Han. He is who the Enneagram names as The Reformer, a “conscientious and ethical” man “always striving to improve things.” Perhaps it is no surprise that my father is also a Reformer; while his and Dae-Han’s politics are different, I can see them both striving for the greater good in this world.

Part of what has drawn Dae-Han and I together is the way in which we both do want to make spaces more equitable. While I work on a more micro scale, mainly my classroom (and recently beyond as I have become involved in the Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion movement), Dae-Han works on a macro scale, co-running an NGO that is “dedicated to learning about and connecting with international social movements that confront injustice and corruption.”

As a dedicated activist striving for more justice, Dae-Han — the man I now call my partner, my keeper, and the love of my life — attends and engages with local protests and rallies. Recently, he asked if I wanted to attend one of these gatherings.

In truth, I did not take to this idea immediately. “A Saturday,” I thought to myself. “There is so much I could do with that afternoon: read, write, rest, run, nestle into a quaint cafe.” But I reflected on the weekend that Dae-Han gave to me in October, attending a Diversity, Equity, Inclusion exchange at a nearby(ish) international school. And then I thought about my desire to understand my partner’s work in this world better, and my desire to understand Korea better. And so I said, “yes, I’ll meet you at City Hall.”

As I was about to leave the apartment to take public transportation — ah, the ease and dependability of the bus and metro system in Seoul — it began to rain.

“Hey, just making sure the rally is still on,” I texted to Mr. Moderated.

“Rain won’t stop Koreans from gathering today,” he responded.

My last chance of a couch potato afternoon splattered like rain onto the pavement as I boarded the bus to City Hall, with some residual disappointment for missing the stillness of a slow Saturday but also interested in an afternoon to observe and learn.

When I arrived to City Hall, I found a crowd much larger than I anticipated. Some 90,000 farmers, workers, students, delivery people, and activists had gathered to struggle for better protection of the rights of Korea’s laborers.

While I could not understand the words each person was speaking, I could hear the strength and power in their voices. I also found it quite beautiful that there was sign language interpretation for the entirety of the rally, which you may note in the above — the woman in the circle is currently signing his speech.

Weighted down by rain, this banner is trying to float into the air.

As various speakers took the stage, Dae-Han translated for me. I am not particularly good at retaining information, dates and facts the way that he is, but I did learn that people gathered at this rally were struggling for three main things:

1. the ability to form unions

2. a law that would hold businesses more accountable for industrial accidents (addressing negligence)

3. the reversal of crippling fines placed upon those who strike (based on the pretext of lost business)

I do not understand Korea, her politics, and the struggles of the people well enough to pretend to have tangible viewpoints on the broader and smaller issues named here.

I did, though, feel the energy of thousands of people united to fight for their own and others’ safety and rights. It was an energy that thrummed and drummed into the air and through our bodies.

Dae-Han and I operate in quite different spheres, at this point we do not entirely share the same ideology, but I appreciate endlessly having a partner who shares in my journey and invites me to share in his.

Hello From the Other Side [of the World]

Hello, it’s me.

I was wondering if after all these months you might be wondering where I am.

It’s been a minute, though, really. The other day a friend from China messaged inquiring if I “might have written on [my] blog about moving to South Korea?” She and her fiancé are rather done with China’s zero Covid policy and looking to return to Korea, possibly, where they first met.

Esthé’s message was probably the final sign that I needed to allow myself to step away from marking exams, find some solitude, and for anyone reading, offer a bit of an update.

Since moving to Korea, two things have consumed me: 1. a very bustling professional life, and 2. falling in love. I still love teaching, and I am grateful to be working at Seoul Foreign School, a top-tier international school, but the work does swallow me like a large tidal wave some days. And weeks.

Falling in love, on the other hand, that really hasn’t consumed me so much as it has wrapped me up in the best down blanket a woman could find. And who wants to crawl out from under all of those layers of warmth? Not I. Thus, I’ve been a bit absent from the blog.

I’ve also stayed warm smiling under the California sun while visiting Dae Han’s family in July.

I am currently writing from what has become Dae Han’s office, formerly my yoga room (which was underutilized). Pumpkin blended baked oats just came out of the oven, and I recommend you give this recipe a whirl because it is über simple and pretty tasty. My new “sweater weather” scented is burning on my left, in front a photo of Dae Han’s family from the summer, and on my right Che Guevara (#lifewitharevolutionary) looks past me with intensity.

Dae Han’s not quite all moved in just yet, but the number of his items in the apartment has been increasing. We’ve been moving him in steadily, rather than all at once. Perhaps this helps two adults who have lived so much of their lives independently merge into a shared space a bit more gradually. Perhaps we’re both just too busy to muster a one-fell-swoop approach.

What I do know is that my life became exponentially richer since we met, almost one year ago. We may experience some growing pains as we go from having ownership over our own spaces to creating a shared space now, but what the days with Dae Han teach me is that the man shows up. For all of the conversations. For all of the negotiations. For all of the “stories I am telling myself” that are full of angst or projecting or worry.

There’s such a difference between us

Between the Us that Dae Han and I are together, and the Us I have ever been part of in what now feel like previous lives. I have pretty unending gratitude that a 38-year-old me met a 42-year-old Dae Han last October 9th. That woman and that man had done (and continue to do) a lot of work on themselves to show up to each other as rather integrated humans.

It’s no secret that I’ve been marked A+ on past relational report cards for Passive Aggresivity (I like this new word; let’s go with it). For me, this ineffective communication style developed from, well, many things, I think. I don’t like confrontation. So, there’s that. But I also didn’t really get that I could have needs, share my needs, and expect that there should at least be a conversation about how he/we would meet them. For many years, I also lived in a lot of fear that if I had needs — and boundaries — that these two things would push men away, or make me less desirable, or lovable.

I credit my D (who ever thought I’d celebrate such a score!) for Passive Aggresivity on my current report card to good therapy, a lot of reflection, and a strong will to do better — for myself and for my relationship. I also ascribe my healthier approach, where one actually addresses things that bother her in a direct manner, to my Dae Han. Take today, for example. It doesn’t matter the actual thing that was bothering me. It matters that DH can read me (not entirely a closed book — if you know, you know) and always evenly asks, “what are you thinking about” when he can see that I am chewing on something I need to spit out.

Dae Han has created for me the safest space to share, to fumble, to be all of me. And so sharing with him about my needs, desires, boundaries, it doesn’t feel threatening or scary. I am no longer worried that someone will walk away when they see all of me. What this man does when I start to open up is magical for me: he opens his ears, his arms, his heart, and becomes that downy comforter that soothes and settles me.

There are many things that have not come easily to me, in academics or life (and some that have) and I don’t regret that. A sound work ethic goes a long way in developing a healthy relationship — and I am finally getting to enjoy the fruits of this labor because I have found a partner who has been building this robust (one of DH’s favorite words) relationship with me from the Genesis. Dae Han (nor I, at this time) are religious, but finding the connection I have with him, it is spiritual. So, I have been here, in Korea, in Seoul, in the arms of a man who I may believe was sent by God, or the Universe, or perhaps my grandmother’s and mother’s and father’s and sister’s wills, all wrapped up together in Hope and Faith.

Hello, my friends and family,

from the other side

of the world

and of Doubt.

Hello from Faith

and Hope

and Happiness

Hello

and now goodnight

from my city apartment in Seoul.

Busan and the Abundance Mindset

I am 58 hours into a trip to Busan, the second largest city in South Korea. For 38 of these hours, I have been a solo explorer. For the other 20, Dae Han, my love, spent 9 hours traveling in order to have almost 1 full day together. While I cannot quantify the gratitude I have for him and the way Dae Han cares for me, 100% of my heart was happy to share in this weekend with him.

I have 4 hours remaining in this trip, 4 hours until I board the train bound for Seoul that will take 2.75 hours to return me to my home in South Korea’s largest, most densely populated city.

In the past 2.2 days, I have spent roughly:

5 minutes shopping for a sun visor because I arrived to the beach without my sunglasses, and to be honest, I would have bought this visor regardless because its giving me those cute beachy vibes.

7 hours reading 2 books: Pachinko with Dae Han and The Beginning of Spring on my own. We found a lazy spot in a park to read Book III of Min Jin Lee’s epic novel turned Apple TV series.

45 minutes appreciating Haedong Yonggungsa Buddhist Temple. The temple was especially popular on this day as Buddha’s birthday is near and it was Children’s Day, an important holiday here in Korea.

5 hours eating yummy meals, some of which started with 반상, side dishes that offer sweet, savory, and umami flavors — for a food and culture lesson on 반상, give a listen to my student Jihoo’s podcast episode entitled, “Where Side Dishes Take Center Stage”

Some amount of slow moments savoring the feeling of home that I always have with my handsome man, while sipping Earl Grey and letting dark Ecuadorian chocolate truffles melt in my mouth.

1.75 hours running along the water, finding spots for moments of meditation or a place to complete a short HIIT circuit of squats, pushups, and planks

3 hours walking and watching fisherman, surfers, and swimmers.

20 minutes becoming two of those swimmers, finding the sea’s very cold waters at first almost intolerable, and then … really refreshing (Dae Han spent at least twice the amount of time submerged in the sea than me).

Some hours just gazing out at the aqua water washing over the sea stones.

Since moving abroad almost 9 years ago now, I have become increasingly aware of how time passes. Perhaps it is because settling into life abroad brought with it a sadness of missing time with family and friends Stateside. It has also meant a keen awareness of how, over time, I have been expanding through challenging, sometimes uncomfortable, often delightful experiences. Perhaps, too, the sands of time have become the focus of my attention so often because as we age, we fear we are “running out of time".

Being on the beach this weekend, I have been reminded to try and work away from the notion that there is a scarcity of time. While deadlines, timelines, and checklists have their place, what I am choosing to breath into is abundance right now. The world would often have use believe that we need to produce more, buy more, be more … if you listen to the world, there is a mindset of never-enough-ness.

I have 35 minutes before I need to start walking to the bus to take me to the train station. That is a finite amount of time left to spend sea-gazing, but I can also recognize that there has been enough exploration and restoration to return me to Seoul a better-rested woman.

As I finish this post, I am back in the BaciAbode. It will take awareness to maintain my abundance mindset as I begin preparing for the week ahead, but I am hopeful that remembering the many slow breaths I took in Busan, I can also give myself permission to do the same in Seoul.

Before I sign off today, I want to acknowledge that there is a truth to scarcity, generally truths that I do not have to face if I avert my eyes, but truths nonetheless that I feel because of being part of a collective human psyche. Some in our communities and countries do not have enough support, resources, or seats at the table. Scarcity is indeed part of their reality, and a reality I believe we all have the capacity to shift. Dae Han is a devoted leader of the NGO called the International Strategy Center. The ISC hosts online forums (usually once a month) in the spirit of solidarity with people around the world, to understand current events and issues more deeply.

On May 21st, they will be hosting a forum on Korea’s Disabled People’s Movement. While I know that many readers here are not Korea based, I think the forum could be worthwhile for all of us in our respective places in the world. I encourage you to join the forum, to listen and learn and consider those near your homes that are facing scarcity, not as a mindset, but as a reality. First my parents, and now my partner, help me to understand that we have the power to bring more abundance to others.

Peace and love,

BaciAbroad

My Seoulful Life: Quarantine Chronicles

“Smart people may rule the world, but reckless and stubborn people like me protect it," pronounced Hong Yoo Chan, a civil activist lawyer on my new favorite Netflix drama Vincenzo. If you hadn't already fallen in love with Yoo Chan at this point, the way he expresses his pertinacity for protecting the week will make your heart want to wrap around him.

The series so far is 20 episodes. I have just finished episode 13. I pushed play on episode one three ... or was it four?, days ago. I've earned a real A+ in Binging 101 here in quarantine.

On the eve of my release from the 14-day quarantine in my new apartment in Seoul, I've got a few reflections, as I normally do. Most of tonight's musings center around how to survive 14 days of solitude in a new country.

And here we go:

Binge, Baby, Binge

It might seem like with so much time on your hands, you should try out all the new recipes, write your next novel, or book of poems, or organize every file on your computer. Man-woman-human, if this is you, I salute you. It is not me. I have found that during my two quarantines (the first being in China) that I have about five hours a day when my brain is working with the flag at full staff. I don't know what happens all of the other hours exactly, but my eyes seem to glass over and my brain gets fuzzy. I think this is what happens to a person when they don't have much stimulation from the outside world.

Enter Netflix. Or HBO Max, or AmazonPrime, or whatever. All of them, really. I have mindfully binged my way through the past two weeks. I know that this won't be a habit that sticks, and so I have allowed myself to watch episode after episode of Kim's Convenience (which has been featured in the news recently) and Vincenzo with zero guilt.

The male lead in Vincenzo is so dishy, and the female lead is beautiful and brilliant. Binging has become synonymous with wellness the past 14 days, but so have a few other things.

Sweat, quarantinee, sweat

I do find that my mental health is stronger when I have routine, and so during quarantine, I have created some semblance of one. Each day began with HIIT and/or yoga. At the end of my chapter in China, my friend Kim introduced me to Heather Robertson, a Canadian fitness trainer who puts free videos on YouTube for equitable access. Her Tabata and HIIT workouts have torn up my muscles, but in the best way. I do not currently have any weights in my apartment, but as Jeana Anderson Cohen says, "If you have a body, you have a gym," and Robertson's videos prove it.

In addition to Robertson, I have adored staying present with the help of Maggie Umberger, my fitness friend from Chicago. Her website has an assortment of both workouts and yoga classes. I love all of her stuff, but I am especially enamored with her yoga because when Maggie leads a practice, she does so with kind reminders about micro-movements, with such lovely transitions between poses, and with purposeful sequencing. The highlight of the week was perhaps getting to tune in for one of her live virtual classes. Bringing her energy into my new apartment in real time was a marvel of technology today.

Foodie, find your apps

Another aspect of technology that I quite love is the ability to order groceries and meals from local restaurants with ease. My new school, Seoul Foreign, was so warm and welcoming as they asked for a list of groceries that each individual or family wanted in their apartment upon arrival. They also provided the first number of meals.

After this point, I allowed myself to order off of the Shuttle app once a day. It was indulgent. I regret nothing. I delighted in sipping on Earl Grey lattes, chowing on pizza, and noshing on Korean fried chicken for the first time.

I am privileged to be able to afford the luxury of the daily order. I am oh-so-thankful for this privilege as it kept my spirits higher most days.

Get a little learn on, Teacher

As noted above, the flag in my brain comes down before the sun sets when I am holed up in a small space, but I think mental stimulation is important during this time of confinement. This year I will be teaching the novel Human Acts by Korean author Han Kang. It's a rather dark and heavy, but beautifully written, book about recent Korean history. Further, her themes are timeless and I can begin to imagine some of the reflections I will have with my students about the tragedy or hope that we can bring to one another.

While I have been working to complete a 1,000-piece puzzle, I have been listening to Isabel Wilkerson's Caste. Wilkerson has a keen ability to connect racism in the States to Nazi Germany and the caste system of India, drawing astounding parallels between the three whilst offering historical and present example after another of how a caste system is alive and well within the borders of the United States.

I read mostly by day as both of these books were a lot to digest, but very important reads.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T your new host country

I knew before arriving that I would need to do a 14-day quarantine in Seoul. I understand the country's decision to mandate the quarantine for foreigners arriving. There has been a notable uptick in cases as Korea struggles to get the vaccine out as fast as they had hoped, and the Delta variant is coursing through Asia.

Quite different than the US, much of Asia monitors us to make sure we abide by the rules of quarantine. This does not bother me. A result of living in China for five years is that I have come to understand and appreciate a respect for the collective over the individual, at least in cases such as a global pandemic.

Unlike China, which had a bit more pomp and circumstance to the end of my quarantine, at noon tomorrow, I can simply delete the app and re-enter the outside world.

Those of us quarantining together apart were allowed to walk to our Covid testing site yesterday for our final PCR test. I appreciated getting a peak at my new neighborhood.

I can't wait to throw on my tennies and hit the trail along the river.

A tree with an IV. I'd like to learn more.

It is so definitely definitely definitely part of my plan to buy a Vespa. This is even my color. It'll really put the icing on the cake of #myseoulfullife.

Alright, friends and family, my eyes have blurred a few hundred words ago, and so I am going to close the computer for the night and push play on episode 14 of Vincenzo. I miss you, Minnesota. I miss you, China. I can't wait to properly meet you tomorrow, Seoul.

Love and light,

Jame